The most amusing component of online dating is attempting to translate male profiles. Having been told by men that women lie about their weight, their age and their activities, I found it laughter-inducing to meet men who did the same.
I will quote one fellow, whom I’ll call Harry. Harry was the first to put me on to the untruths that occur on dating sites. He told me the story of connecting with a woman who was of his same profession, appeared very attractive and said she could meet him in his hometown while there on business.
Harry waited at a hotel bar where he was to meet the woman. And he said, I turned around to see if she was there, “and in walked her mother”. Upon questioning her, he innocently asked when the photo she posted online was taken. She said it was on a visit to her friend about fifteen years ago. Groan!
How to Translate Male Profiles
I have been blessed through life’s experiences. I’ve never had a successful relationship, women just keep dumping me.
Brooklyn born and proud of it. Please, don’t expect me to speak as if I was educated at Oxford.
If you want to contact me, you must use your own (not the dating service) email address. I’m too cheap to pay for this service after my free trial expired.
If you don’t do that I will not be able to respond back to you. (A threat? And I was so turned on by your graciousness.)
Some of my favorite things: the smell of air-dried laundry, the scent of a woman, fields of heather blowing in the wind. Am sensitive to what I’m told women like. (Really! Heather fields in Manhattan?)
I am a caring, devoted, strong and loving man. (Uh huh!) That’s what my three ex-wives suggested I become.
I am a very positive person who views life as a gift. (And is the gift returnable?) Yes, that’s what my bowling teammates said you’d like to hear.
I plan on taking tennis and golf lessons. I am a couch potato but I just read an article that women expect men to be actively engaged in sport.
I have a sewing machine which I use to make gym bags. Will gladly sell them to you and your friends.
An early riser, budget-minded and live within my means. Do not expect me to take you to restaurants with table service. (Cheap, cheaper, cheapest.)
Am an HBO subscriber and am eagerly waiting for the new season. (Ohmigod, this is so exciting! No translation possible.)
Thank you for reading. Be back and look forward to you joining me Friday.